


Falling without a Net

by yOyO_101



Category: Newsies - All Media Types, Newsies!: the Musical - Fierstein/Menken
Genre: Angst, Anxiety Disorder, Completed, Depictions of Cutting, Depression, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, I’m sorry, LGBT characters, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mental Illness, Nightmares, Nonbinary Character, Panic Attacks, Race is non-binary, Scars, Sensory Overload, Spot is an ass, Y’all I’m sorry, basically a bunch of mental health stuff going on, im a mess
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-03
Updated: 2020-02-02
Packaged: 2021-01-20 23:21:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 6
Words: 1,090
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21289850
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yOyO_101/pseuds/yOyO_101
Summary: Race was spiraling.But Spot was gone.(NO DEATH- please read tags there are a lot of tw’s)
Relationships: Others to be added, Past Spot Conlon/Racetrack Higgins, Racetrack Higgins & Jack Kelly, Spot Conlon/Racetrack Higgins
Comments: 7
Kudos: 43





	1. Spiraling

**Author's Note:**

> So basically I’m going through a lot and writing is how I cope so please be ready for tear and angst. There are a lot of triggers in here. They are all listed in the tags so please read them before continuing on, I would hate to anyone be harmed by my fic.

Race was spiraling. 

Everything was too much. The hum always in the back of their head turned into a roaring cry of anguish. It felt as if bugs were crawling in and out of between their hoodie and bare back. 

Spot’s hoodie. A grey NASA hoodie with all the Apollo missions printed out on the sleeve. 

They could barely hear Albert trying to calm them down. As soon as Albert’s hand landed on their shoulder, Race freaked. 

Logically they knew it was Albert, but that didn’t stop their arms lashing out and flipping the lunch tray previously resting on the blue lunch table. 

They couldn’t breathe. They wanted Spot.  
They wanted to be in Spots arms and tucked under his chin. They wanted Spot to pepper soft kisses to their face and neck as they cried until their breathing evened out. 

But Spot was gone.


	2. Now I’ve fallen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So if you can’t tell there’s a fuck ton going on in my life so I’m a depressed bitch so please don’t call the cops I have a therapist

Months past. October turned into November and Spot came back. No one brought up what happened. 

November carried on. Thanksgiving went by and Race kept Spot updated on the chaos during Black Friday(it was really Black Thursday but so what)

November turned into December. Decorations went up and Spot and Race cuddled closer for warmth. 

Everything was getting better. Sun Behavior Health was forgotten. 

Everything was fine, until it wasn’t.

Until the day Race relapsed. They were clean for so long, almost a year. 

But the numbness was too much. Nightmares were getting worse and Race’s blood itched to be free.

The blood calmed them, the pain grounded them, and the relief terrified them. 

No matter how many fuzzy socks they wore, Race wouldn’t forget the angry red marks adjoining their ankle. 

They wouldn’t forget the slur carved into their skin from the year before when Oscar pushed too hard and there was no one there to catch Race before they bled.

Race didn’t know if they could stop.


	3. Left Drifting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So it’s kinda implied that they kill themselves but i promise I’m mostly fine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remember when I said Race was me and Spot was my boyfriend? Well I got dumped, and then I found out I was cheated on, and then he told me it was my fault he cheated on me so I’m straight up not thriving

_ It’s getting bad again Al. And I don’t know what to anymore.  _

_ After Spot, it’s just too much.  _

_ I can’t eat or sleep and everything is just crashing down around me.  _

_ I hate him, and I hate all the shit he’s put me through. It was all too much. _

_ Every time I thought the worst was over, something else crushed me. First dumped, then cheated on and gaslighted.  _

_ I really thought he was the one, someone I could heal with. But i was so wrong. _

_ He knew about my past and he still pulled that shit.  _

_ I don’t know what to do anymore Albie. _

_ I feel so flayed and vulnerable. Weak and cracked. I can’t keep doing this.  _

_ I’m sorry  _

_ -Racer _


	4. Locked

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I’m sorry

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m mad depressed, but at least now I have a binder

Albert didn’t look in his bag till after guard practice. In all honesty he wasn’t planning on even glancing at any of his homework till homeroom.

It’s really a miracle Davey texted about the reading or Albert never would of found the note. 

Jack was the first one Albert called.   
................

As soon as Jack got the call he wasted no time in running towards Race’s door.

Locked.


	5. Take the Blame

The dull pain behind Race’s eyes came with not taking any of their meds. 

It hurt, but it would subside once yesterday’s pills wore off and Race’s senses stopped being numbed and their head wasn’t stuffed with the cotton of artificial hormones. 

They could hear Jack banging on their door, pleading to be let in. It hurt but they couldn’t let their brother see them like this. 

Jack was their hero, their savior from the father that blamed them for their mother leaving, and the blood that betrayed them.

Spot promised they’d get through everything together. He promised he’d always be there and never betray Race. 

But he lied. 

He abandoned Race. 

Cheated with someone Race thought was their friend, and when confronted said if Race was better it wouldn’t of happened.

The worse part was, Race believed him.


	6. Everything’s gonna be okay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They’re okay i promise

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think I’m finally in a mostly okay place.

Race didn’t really want to die. 

They just wanted everything to stop and let them catch up. 

Maybe that’s depression or grief talking, maybe both. 

Jack stopped trying to bust the door connecting their shared bathroom and his room ten minutes after the first knock.

Race hoped it was cause he gave up on them like everyone else so they could slip under the water and quietly drift away.

“Race”

The soft voice was easily missed as it slipped under the door and into the bathroom. 

Oh, so maybe Jack hasn’t left. Maybe he stuck around to try to lift his kid sibling out of the pit they found themselves in. Or maybe, like everyone else Race thought cared for them, push them down farther and burry them beneath blame.

“Race, you don’t have to open the door, just please listen kid.”

There he was again. Drawing Race’s attention from the warm water of the tub and to the sliver of light under the door.

“Kid, I know it’s tough.”

They wished Jack would stop trying. The less he grasped, the easier it was for Race to let go. 

“Trust me, life ain’t fair, and sometimes the people we thought cared about us turn out bad.”

That’s who they were- bad guys. Their dad, Spot, that bastard of the first foster home, Morris, Oscar. The bad guys of Race’s story. The hero’s supposed to win, well if Race is a hero they’re a pretty shitty one. 

“And those are the people who can hurt us the most. I know you’ve been hurt, me and you, we’ve both drew the short end in the family department.”

Jack never knew his parents, Race had it good. Their parents might of not been the best, but at least Race knew them.

“But you’re stronger then all of that shit. And I’m fucking proud of you. There are always gonna be people who don’t see you for the wonder you are. But, there are always gonna be so many more who do, and who love you for the smug little shit you are. Listen, you don’t have to open the door, but just don’t slip away.”

The tell-tale click of a lock echoed as Race opened the door and fell into their brother’s arms

“I love you kid. And so does Medda and Crutchie, and Albert, and Davey, and the rest of our small patchwork family. You’ve come a long way from the scared kid I found atop the monkey bars.”

“I’m sorry Jackie, I’m sorry”

“Shh, none of that kid, everything’s gonna be okay.”

“I love you Jackie”

“I love you too kiddo”

And the best part was, Race believed him.   
——————————


End file.
